the wave of pain

 here we go again.

another morning, another anger build up.

i hate you, i hate you for not fighting for us, for me, for kiddos .

i hate you, for days you made me crying so bad, i got no more tears left to drop.

for the time i was having our first born, the time you made me cry so bad.

you just can't make peace with me for the sake of my mental health n baby.

you just have to keep resisting, because for you, your ego is much more bigger than us.

twice you make me bear what i don't wanna bear, yet you told me you were so ready to become a father.

you cheapskate bastard full of lies, you don't even know how to become a father.

the hole in my heart and the anger and disappointment, sunk in, creating  a deep hole.

no man would ever be able to fix it.

not next year, i don't even know when it'll be fully recover.

despite me being thankful that we finally split,

but for the bad time you made kiddos feel, up to this point, nah..i would hold you accountable for that.

do you even know how much they miss you?

i guess you don't.

you are so blinded by the world, your own life and ego to feed.

do you even love the kids? i don't think so.

if you do, you would provide them the care they need, the love they crave, you would want to spend time with them.

you would beg me to take them out for quality time.

but you never do so, unless few times when you need to show them off to your parents.

you and your parents, you think these kids were just trophy.

you bring them around, but you never even be present for them.

you make empty promises, you teach them it's the right thing to do whatever you are doing right now.

you lied down to the smallest, most pettiest thing.

YOU LIED, one to another, over and over again.

you told me you would change, but no, you never change.

you make it hard for kids to even say anything about father and his roles in the house.

because you were never there.

you are the man who never save his wife for being verbally assaulted by a stranger.

you are the man who never give what i deserve when i always provide you the best i could.

years and years i don't even realize you gas-lighted me.

every time i say no, you said i never try to understand you and walk on your shoes.

but have you even try to understand me?

where were you when i had my bad bad bad postpartum depression?

you never stood up for me, but want me to cover your darn ungrateful ass, all the fuggin time.

i hate you for leaving the kids fatherless, to work on whatever you are working.

you bring shame to us.

you even told people that you need money because our eldest son is in critical condition.

can you be more mad?

what can you offer for our mental recovery?

for every night that kiddos ask about you yet you can't be contacted.

please leave and never return, ever.

you are not welcome around here.